In-Tune News You’ll Want To Use

While your significant other is getting himself or herself better, they might start doing different things, small things that you might find annoying. Twirling pencils, specific television shows, small habits may start taking over their lives in a minor way. While these habits may not be big, they can become annoying. Sometimes these habits will be auditory, involving a pen clicking or other potential annoyance.

How you deal with these habits can set the tone for your relationship. There is no set way that will be beneficial either. You can encourage the habits, with the understanding that they are preventing a larger problem from developing or you can discourage them, trying to instead encourage your significant other to deal with the larger problem. There is no set way to deal with it, and instead, you need to choose which result you are looking for at the moment.

If the habit is relatively benign, then you might be okay in encouraging it. However, remember that habits, the longer they last, become harder and harder to break. By encouraging it today, you may find that you are stuck with it. The flip-side, on the other hand, ends up with your boyfriend or girlfriend being subject to other nervous habits if you try to put a stop to this one. A fidget could be covering up nervousness in front of other people, or an inability to sit still. Choosing which habit to encourage and which to discourage can be tricky. The best way to decide is to sit down with your significant other and ask them why they have started this new habit. After hearing what they say, decide if you can live with the results of them discontinuing it. But whatever you decide, you are going to need to accept for a while.

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Imagine a coworker and you have just delivered a report to senior management about a project on which you collaborated. As you leave the meeting, your coworker shakes his head and mutters “hope you’re happy”. Since then, he has barely acknowledged you. You are mystified by their attitude because the report was so well received by management. You decide to approach him, but don’t really know where to begin.

You can unravel the mystery of conflict by 1) understanding how people view such confrontations and 2) by using conversation skills to get to the root of the conflict.

First, remember that in conflict, each person has their story. People tend to see themselves as either the innocent victim or perhaps the righteous hero. They cast their adversary, of course, as the villain. Attachment to these roles results in conversations that quickly regress to debates or outright confrontations: a verbal thrust and parry in which judgement is met by justification. People expend tremendous energy and create significant drama, but at the end of the day feel like they’ve gone in circles with little understanding or identification of the real issue.

Stories consist of three basic elements: plot, characters, and theme. In conflict, these equate to: 1) what happened; 2) how it impacted the person; and 3) what need of theirs was unmet or threatened. To begin to explore someone’s conflict story, ask yourself “when did the knife go in?” for them. This metaphor represents the point of wounding - when they saw themselves as the victim (and pegged you as the villain). In some cases, the inciting incident will be obvious, but other times you will need to uncover it.

Second, use open-ended questions to peel back the layers of their conflict story. Used strategically, open questions help you discover why someone is upset and what they need to move forward. Of course, these questions must be accompanied by curiosity, because a question such as “what on earth were you thinking?” will understandably foster defensiveness. Rather, ask genuine questions to uncover new information and to encourage the other person to talk about what went on for them. As they verbalize their story you can learn not only when “the knife” went in for them, but also the impact events have had on them and what (unmet) need is fueling their frustration.

The following two tips will ensure your questions are helpful and productive. Remember to paraphrase the answers you receive to demonstrate you understand their perspective. This also provides balance to the conversation so your questions do not come across as an interrogation. Also, let the other person know why you are asking your question. Even an open question will spark some defensiveness as the other person wonders “why does he/she want to know?” You will significantly reduce defensiveness when you provide a context for your question by telling the other person why you are asking it and how the information will be useful.

In the example above, you might start by noting the lack of communication or feelings of tension, letting them know you want to try to work things out, and asking simply “what’s up?” In many cases, their reply will let know who not only what happened, but how it affected them (”you grab all the credit for our work and you ask me what the problem is?!”) In other cases, you may need to probe further “what was it about the meeting that upset you?” or “what went on for you during the meeting?” As you begin to peel the layers of their story, listen for their unmet need. When you uncover it, confirm you have it right: “so from your perspective, I received the credit - and you want to ensure that you get fair recognition for your contribution to the project”.

While this is by no means the end of the conversation, this discovery provides a foundation for deeper understanding and, eventually, resolution. From a relationship perspective, you build empathy when you demonstrate you understand both the events in question and the impact of those events on the other person. From a resolution perspective, you have identified one of the key components for a collaborative solution (in this case, recognition and fairness.)

So when confronted by conflict, resist the urge to proclaim your own story. Instead, put your perspective temporarily on the back burner and focus on discovering “when the knife went in”. You may find that what seems to be an insoluble conflict is really “elementary, my dear Watson.”

Gary Harper is the author of The Joy of Conflict Resolution: Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home. For “Tips on Probing” and other information on conflict resolution, visit Gary’s website at http://www.joyofconflict.com/

A short generation ago, families could set their watch by the time the father got home from work each day. My dad always walked through the front door at precisely 6 PM and supper was served at 6:10. We’d all sit around the table discussing the events of the day and then go out on the street to spend time with the neighbors when the kitchen chores were done.

On hot summer nights my parents would sit on the veranda with a cool soft drink and spray the kids with a hose as we darted about the front lawn. Life was simple then - but not anymore!

Who among us has not felt a little betrayed by George Jetson’s vision of what the future was ’supposed’ to be? We all know the Jetsons was just a cartoon but it did entice us into believing the workday of the future would only be a few hours, sitting in a comfy chair, pushing a couple buttons, while the lovely-wife got even lovelier, spending most of her time at the beauty salon. He lied to us!

The sad reality is the future we live in today is the exact opposite of Mr Jetson’s. Fathers work harder, longer and with more responsibilities and stress than any generation in all of history. Mothers have little time to get lovelier because they’re trying to balance the needs of the children along with a full-time job.

Most families don’t sit around the dinner table anymore because they’re all on different schedules, stressed to the teeth, just trying to keep up with this generation’s pace of life.

Is it any wonder then, it’s not uncommon anymore to see near epidemic numbers of people succumbing to stress related illnesses? Current studies in Canada and the USA purport one in four people in North America are ‘currently’ suffering from some form of Chronic Fatigue or Chronic Depression. They also predict that eight out of ten people in the current generation and the one to follow, will fall victim to chronic illnesses like these, in their lifetime. Tragically too, many of them will never recover!

The financial impact from stress related illnesses is alleged to be in the Billions of Dollars with devastating effects on business and healthcare costs. But there is still a larger issue for chronic fatigue or depression sufferers. The social safety nets aren’t there. In fact, chronic depression is still politically and socially misunderstood and society has very little empathy-appetite for it.

For many, someone with CFS [Chronic Fatigue Syndrome] or Chronic Stress-Related Depression, is simply a lazy malingerer. They are not to be believed or coddled. “Suck it up soldier! And get back to work!” All they need is a kick in the pants. Right?….WRONG!

I can tell you from my own experience that those who fall victim to diseases like these, are Not Faking it! They are Not Malingerers! They Don’t need a Kick in the Pants, but they Do need understanding, the right treatment and our help.

How do I know? In 1991 I fell victim to CFS at a time when the medical profession had no idea what it was or how to treat it. Back then they called it the Yuppie Flu. I had it for nine excruciating months and it nearly devastated me and my family.

In the last couple of decades, too many overworked and stressed out people are falling victim to what’s now referred to as CFIDS [Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndromes]. These diseases are motivated by stress but are also virally motivated like in my case where I was eventually diagnosed with the Epstein Bar Virus.

Substantial advancements have been made since the 90’s but what troubles me is that sufferers still endure social indignities associated with idlers and are often judged by others and the companies they work for as phonies. Stigmas like these only exacerbate the already daunting challenge sufferers face should they, in fact, ever make a full recovery.

For that reason [and at the risk of appearing self promoting] I wrote a book entitled, “Until You’ve Walked the Path”. I could go on about it but instead I’ll just provide some of what’s written on the back cover.

[Back Cover]

THE BATTLE BACK TO HEALTH from CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME or CHRONIC DEPRESSION … CAN BE WON! … But not without HOPE and not without HELP!

……………………………………..

Experience in vivid detail the real-life challenges of a young family man who became stricken in 1991 by a mysterious illness best known at the time as the ‘Yuppie Flu’. A straight-commissioned salesman with no medical benefits and a wife and child to feed, Failure for him was never an option.

Witness first hand the day-to-day struggles he endured that included long bouts of depression, excruciating muscle pain and exhaustion that caused him to sleep 24 to 48 hours at a time.

Read about how, throughout his ordeal, he managed to maintain Hope and a Positive Attitude that in the end were the catalysts required in finding new ways to battle a disease that in the early 90’s society alleged was no disease at all.

Rejoice with him when you discover he did eventually triumph over his illness and went on to accomplish something nearly everyone - at times even he - believed impossible!

This book is a no-nonsense layman’s real-life look at how sufferers are affected by CFIDS and more importantly, steps they or caregivers could and should take to ensure speedy recovery.

People suffering CFIDS as well as caregivers will benefit from the logical and pragmatic information the author shares based on his own debilitating experience with the disease.

The advice is credible, insightful and thought provoking with an unfailing dedication to one critical message: “There IS HOPE for YOU or the one you HOPE to HELP!”

I won’t shy away from the fact that by writing the book I hoped to make it a best seller. On the other hand, I know there are too many sufferers out there who need to better understand what’s going on with their health and are desperately looking for a proven formula or strategy to help them get better.

For more information regarding Until You’ve Walked the Path and/or ways to purchase it before it hits the major book stores, please send an email to paulshearstone@rogers.com.

About The Author

Paul Shearstone aka The ‘Pragmatic Persuasionist’ is one of North America’s foremost experts on Sales and Persuasion. An International Keynote Speaker, Author, Writer, Motivation, Corporate Ethics, / Time & Stress Management, Recruiting Specialist, Paul enlightens and challenges audiences as he informs, motivates and entertains. To comment on this article or to book the Pragmatic Persuasionist for your next successful event we invite to contact Paul Shearstone directly @ 416-728-5556 or 1-866-855-4590 www.success150.com or paul@success150.com.